Dear Diary (warning contains themes of depression and self harm)

Written in creative writing class.

 

Dear Diary

It’s 3 am and I still can’t sleep,
When I think of the bullies at school I weep.
In creeps the hunger to cut and purge again,
The cut of the knife hurts me, though it focuses the brain.
Droplets of blood drip onto the floor
Dull and red, one blood stain more.

In my heart loneliness slowly kills
Making me feel isolated and numbing my will.
My parents are caught in their own private war,
Unaware of what’s happening behind my bedroom door.
My parents are furious at my falling marks at school,
However they haven’t noticed the cuts on my arms at all.

I am left in this house which feels unsafe and unlike a home.
I panic when I am left to my own devices all alone.
My breaths come fast, uneven and I feel sick,
Sometimes I can’t breathe at all, my heart races too quick.
When I was at primary school I had good friends.
These days I feel let down, they’ve turned out to be dead ends.

It’s a shame they all left me and shot through,
now bullies flock around like vultures picking at all I say and do.
Last Tuesday I bunked school and spent it walking around town
people stared at me, making me feel even more down.
I was feeling as if no one understood
So I went to a river near a wood.

I made for my house when it was time to go home,
but the school had already contacted my Mum by phone
My furious Dad threatened me with grounding.
I said “I don’t care! I like my own surroundings!”
The truth is I don’t want to feel anything anymore,
So I pick up the knife to cut myself some more…

 

Antithesis

I am the silence when you are talking
When you travel by car I’ll be walking
When you are arguing I’ll be at peace
I’ll be the pages in the book you’ll be the crease
You’ll be the night I’ll be the star
Shining bright from afar
You’ll be the gun I’ll be the bird in flight
That you miss
You’ll be the punch I’ll be the kiss
You’ll be the heartache and I’ll be the bliss

I’ll be the antithesis to your thesis
As we collide in opposites as we attract
We will also repel
Who will win out who can tell
in this black and white world.

Sophia

In the midst of midnight air,
stood a man who didn’t care.
For he was a man who made world’s collide
and every bit of earth bore his stride.
He was the key, the door to realities thick, slick and uncertain
beyond realities curtains
however there was one thing he didn’t have and that was a wife
to free him from his darkness his strife.
He searched in coffee shops and in bars,
he looked for answers in the stars,
until he found his equal a woman beyond others,
Sophia the woman in the fire the object of his desire
her wisdom burned bright forged in fiery Stars of eternal unrest
with a beauty that cant be bested
but his love for her was yet untested.
She told him to win her heart he’d have to become mortal
and so would she for in mortality
you see there are lessons that can be learned.
Her heart burned for him so much in the transition
that it became a birth mark above her chest,
he would have to find her to pass the test.
However when they met for the first time
she had met him in a timeline before,
she warned him of tragedies of a life if he stood alone,
a king with a crown but an empty throne.
Although he hadn’t put it together
what she was meaning that without her he’d be dead
but his mind had a needle but not a thread
and although he had a good heart he was easily led
so at 16 he lost his mind.
Believing in heavenly things rather than science
which all people believed to be true.
Sectioned under the mental health act 1983
Seeing into the distant reality,
he saw a girl lost her mascara ran down her face,
she was a girl who had lost her place in the scheme of life’s dream,
her silence was a scream.
She told him things about his future but as he reached out for her she was taken away
for she was his Sophia and they both were going to pay,
for in making themselves mortal their only way out was to marry or love without doubt.
He had many doubts, that had found their way out and into his life.
While she was trying to save him through many lives lost,he was struggling with his own.
Returning home from the mental hospital he was told his life was a lie
he felt that the only way to heal was to cry
and cry he did amid his friends who lost patience with him in the end.
He could not pretend to be happy, everyday he looked for an answer to his unhappiness,
in fear there is no hope and he became broken.
One day though he was walking down the town he saw a girl she smiled it lit up his day.
So he asked her if it was ok to know her name?
She said it was Grace.
After chatting for awhile she said “you should have a coffee round my place”?
So he said “yes” and popped round there.
Soon after a few weeks he fell in love he felt like it was a answer from the gods of above
but soon doubts crept into his head whether he should settle down or find a career instead or first. He had made his life into a headache a curse
and much more complicated than it should be.
So he broke up with her, it felt like his spur to create the life he dreamed before it was too late.
So he had a car a house but no wife, no spouse.
Meanwhile he missed Grace missed her soft touch her face
after years of working hard, he found a woman crying in a builders yard,
he remembered who she was because of the birthmark above chest
and the smile to which she was blessed.
Grace now old and heartbroken she told him she had many lovers since him but none who could match.
He still loved her so they went to hers.
But that night electrics in the house caught fire there was a fault.
So they both awoke to the smell of burning with a jolt.
He tried to get her out but the place was full of smoke thick and dense.
Now a voice spoke “I am the fire your heart lies with me.
Do you choose to be with Grace and love her avidly or do you choose the path of fear,
to run away and leave her here with me”.
Realising that Grace had passed out,
he lifted her over shoulder as the fire began to get worse he got her out.
But he collapsed a heart attack ripped through his chest,
he died they laid his body to rest.
But as he walked through the white door of heaven .
There stood Grace as Sophia his wife.
Every time you doubted,I lost you,
you see, every time you ran I loved thee,
for you have passed the test.

Image by http://www.nicolecadet.com/goddess-gallery/

My muse’s secret poem

The burning poem it’s words burn like flame
I hold it my heart but it burns all the same
I tried ridding myself of the fire
But the flames spoke to me of my muse
Aspiring me to choose
To love and lose the game
Loves painful consequence
My hidden shame
In desperate longing the poem was a light
Showing me a door and a key
Life is nothing with responsibility
In darkness of fragility
I hear a voice beckoning me
To hide my muse’s secret
and yet it flows through me like the fiery flames
I try to retain the pain and burning
My heart is alight with yearning
So with the key I lock the secret poem in a room
It stills burns shining with the truth
Yet I feel I have hidden a fragment of my soul
That still burns to this day out of control.

It’s an emergency

It’s an emergency
Crack out the poetry.

our hearts are dying
In the drizzle of a mundane day

We need to realise our moment is now
We need to realise poetry is inspiration

We just need to breathe in creativity
and expire the fire of art

Instead of shopping carts
We need words

Instead of paper and plastic sums
We need to take life by the horns

Free our minds
From the blinds of working like slaves

We need to follow our dreams
Our life is our movie

We choose how moved to be
Life is for the taking

Moving,shaking, making, breaking
Reforming, storming, forming, performing

Our art will be our movement
Always seeking improvement.

Children of the white light and the Rainbow

Intravenous agnostic
religious blood pumped into our veins
staining our blood with shame
love beats in our hearts
the same love that beats in other peoples
from housing estate to church steeple
we were born to love as one people
we are the universe
made conscious
our conscience is our conscious love
may look to the stars above
but we are as much born of the stars
as we are of the earth or Gaia
and anyone who says that you only go to heaven if you believe in jesus
is a liar no one can put out the star shine in our hearts
we are one just like the white light from the sun
just refracted into many like the rainbow
individuals feeling pain although
the pain is not knowing or feeling that oneness
with the universe our mother
our father yin and yang the clues are all around us
we may curse and cut
but we must trust in one another…

Paper Trail

The paper trail
That my poems cast
Stretches out further than eyes can see
Stretches far beyond what I believe
I write poems they sometimes inspire
Grab attention and light fires
If allowed to burn
Bright paper trails set a light
For inspiration is an intangible thing
and words and sentences
may set up fires that suddenly occur
they come to life
With no explanation
and yet I feel their feeling and sensation.

The white rabbit prince must die

In the land of books and make believe
A story unwritten with the power to make you cry
The modern day Orpheus looks to the sky
For the answer
The answer to why.

See everywhere there are answers
But love doesn’t follow through
With Reflected mirrors it doesn’t respond to you
See the path may be long and prince must be strong
But endurance was never his strong point
Disjointed he always disappoints
The princess whom he favours

A thousand years to savour in the eye of the storm
Nothing can touch him
But if that’s true why was he born?
In feeling pain of loves sweet kiss withdrawn
Hand that held her hand now is worn
Getting older and older each day
He prays to time to make it ok
But time is a trickster and it will take itself away

He is the night to her day
But somewhere a dead man is calling for his crown
Was their love only a noun
A name for something that lies underground
The prince’s heart still beats
And while it beats he will not retreat
But he must give up all he has gained
Or be maimed
By the wisdom that all despise
The temple of a thousand eyes
The tangled web
That tethers us all together

See he must fight himself and die
Or be caught up in his own lies
For if love be eternal
Can it stop the fires of hell that be infernal
And maybe all can be saved
Through union

But royalty must break
And be severed
One must yield
For the madman must be revealed
Or he must return his hostage
The other mind
To break the curse to finally be free
His love must bear responsibility

The white rabbit prince goes to war

Monsters gather underneath my bed
Like fallen angels
My beaten heart
Unyielding

The white rabbit prince goes to war part2

The door stands unlocked
A war for salvation
Must be fought
With the broad sword
That comes out of his mouth
You may think what you like
His is the heaven age, begetting a new age
People may think they can get to him
They never will
Kill his words

The princess dies

She is overwhelmed by the dark
He cannot save her
Demons grow out of her heart
Terrible to behold
A heart made cold
Her bloodline ends with her son with him
Now her heart flickers dim
She devours tragedy
Avidly
Her eyes rage against him
Her words cut through his mind
They run him through
Like the madness that grew and grew
Carnivorous eyes
Stare from the palace
That used to be holy
She is a woman scorned
Sets him up for a fall
As their love hits the wall
She can never forgive him
Only her soul remains
With raging fire
Against him
All he has is nightmares about her now

In the dragons cave

In the dragons cave filled with treasure.
with a warning you did not heed
eyes of blue become green eyes with slits
as the curse of the dragon hits.
Your heartbeat racing faster than ever before
sweat drips from every pore
skin becoming scaly and green.
Blackened claws burst through fingernails
legs and arms flail about
sickening crunches as bones grow and reform
the storm the rage of fiery dragons breath
forms in your lungs
burning all things in your path
as you exhale with a roar
horns pierce through skin and scales
break through your forehead
It hurts even more
as your jaw breaks and moves forward
into a reptile form
teeth lengthen and grow sharp
muscles expand and strengthen
tendons stretch and lengthen
nostrils flare
caught within the glare
of the mirror the witch put there
in the dragons cave
you won’t be a slave
anymore as you seek vengeance
from her and the other humans
forevermore.